daily discussion post: early or late?

[write_out]

I recently saw this question posted: Would you rather always be 10 minutes late or 20 minutes early? My immediate reaction was 20 MINUTES IS NOT EARLY ENOUGH. 

For as long as I can remember, I've had high anxiety over being late- to class, to work, to a movie, to an appointment, to the airport. If I have to be somewhere at noon, chances are I'm lurking in the parking lot at 11:30 am. If my flight is at 3 pm, I'll be at the airport by 1. It gives me great comfort to be early, to know that I'm where I'm supposed to be with no surprises. I'm lucky in that my husband is similar (although not nearly as fixated as I am), but I have friends who are not as concerned about timeliness (especially when traveling together) and that's caused some stress over the years. 

eta: This has come up comments already and I'm glad: this need to be Early does not apply to dinners/parties unless I've been tasked with helping with preparations. Being too early in that case would stress me out just as much as being way late would!

What about you? Are you an early bird or always running late? Why do you think that is? How does that fit with the people in your daily life?

As an aside, I've been mostly lurking here, but enjoying the posts a lot. Thanks to everyone for the interesting questions/responses you've shared!

Comments

[shadowhive]

I try to be early (but not too early) though sometimes I can be late (although that’s often due to delays and such)

Thankfully, though, I don’t often have to do many things. I have anxiety so I think if I had to regularly do things I’d not be able to handle it.

Lurking is good! I’ve been a bit lurky sometimes too

[write_out]

Hello fellow lurker! Maybe I should have asked about that instead. My levels of engagement are all over the place, esp these days.

It sounds like you've found a good balance between early/late.

[semielliptical]

I am more of an early bird, especially for flights or other travel. I struggle a bit with events like parties. I'm not going to show up early - I know that would be rude - but it's really hard to make myself show up later than the starting time, even though others might prefer that. My husband is not quite as concerned with timeliness as I am, but he's happy to follow my lead when we're going somewhere together.

I don't think I could handle traveling with someone who wasn't concerned about being on time for flights etc. I can deal with someone being late for a casual hangout, but not the anxiety of worrying about missing a flight.

[write_out]

Good point about parties! Showing up early would make me feel super awkward, but I usually do stick close to the starting time.

I once traveled with someone who got us to the gate at the airport just as they were finishing boarding. I was about to keel over in anxiety but my friend had not one iota of worry. Never again!

[aome]

The airport is pretty much the ONLY time my SIL is ever on time. Even if she's just the one driving, and not the one traveling, she'll still make sure to arrive at the target time. (Please note: this does not apply to picking someone up - then she's usually late again, so that she's finally arriving by the time you've picked up your bag.)

A friend of mine has high anxiety when traveling; there is no place she'd rather be than at the gate, even if that means being there four hours early.

[azurelunatic]

It really depends on the event. I like to be early for deadlines and things where there may be a problem getting an accessible seat. But I don't like to be unwelcomely early to parties.

[write_out]

Yes, I feel the same way about parties! A rare time I can chill out about not being early. :)

[auroracloud]

I'm afraid this mere question makes me anxious, because it's not something I'm really able to choose, though people assume I do. I'm always running late, but that's not what I'm trying to do, and it's definitely not because I don't care. As I'm running late, I'm probably more stressed out about it than the person who's waiting for me. I'm just somehow near incapable of managing my time so that I would be able to be on time for things. I've somewhat learned to factor it in by trying to be earlier than I need to be, but honestly, if I aim to be 20 minutes early, at best it means I may be on time. The other times it means I'm only late by 5-10 minutes...

I have many friends who are like you describe, anxious about being late so they're everywhere super early, and sometimes this has lead to big problems because they think I'm being rude when I'm just... not able to handle my time well enough. It's like my brain literally doesn't know how to do that most of the time, but it's hard to explain to people who aren't like that themselves. The reactions to these things vary depending on culture - when I did an exchange in France, I was never actually late because everyone else was as much late as I was. But I live in Finland, where if you're a decent person at all you must be early. So yeah, lots of social stress.

It's recently come to my attention that this tendency of mine, like about 99,825 other weird things about me, actually fits with the adult ADHD symptoms. So while I don't have a diagnosis so far, it's very possible that it's actually a neurological thing rather than just me being sloppy and useless, like people around me probably assume I am. (I mean, not everyone; I have some friends who understand or are the same. But enough that I'm always tying myself into knots of constant apologies.)

With really, really crucial stuff like getting to an airport early, I overcompensate by convincing myself that I need to be there before the check-in even opens and that the journey is going to take twice as long as it does, and also get so nervous about missing it that I sleep about 3 hours the night before. (If the flight is at 3, I'm super stressed out if I'm not there before 1.) This is obviously not a sustainable solution for everyday situations, but I do get to the airport early.

ETA: Sorry for throwing a wall of text at you, this doesn't need to be my Get Out My Traumas corner! I just have this need to Explain To The People Who Are Always Early that I'm Not Doing It On Purpose, I Swear.

[azurelunatic]

That sounds very, very familiar until I got medication! (I am on an antidepressant that also often helps with ADHD, and I'm pleased with it.)

[write_out]

Oh no, please don't feel you need to apologize!! I asked the question, so I'm glad you responded! I'm only sorry it's made you anxious.

I've known people who operated on their own timelines without regard or consideration for others, but I like to think they're in the minority. I've known one of my good friends since we were 9 years old and she has always, always run late. It did cause problems for us at times (I got the only detention slip in my entire school career because she got us to school so late one morning in high school that my first period teacher was angry at me), but we eventually had some awkward conversations and learned to compromise.

There are times I need to work very hard on letting go of my own neuroses and it's not easy at all. I've had a lifetime to get this rigid! I could stand to loosen up and realize that the world won't end if I'm not early...or if I'm late.

I'm so glad you do have friends who understand and don't make you feel worse. It's too easy to make slap judgments when we aren't in each other's shoes.

[aome]

Obviously I am not a professional, but my first thought, when reading about your difficulties, was that it sounded like adult ADHD. A couple of of my flisties were diagnosed as adults and were all, "Oh, so THAT explains why I've always struggled with XYZ...." *hugs* I hope you're able to find a solution that helps you a) manage your issues whatever they are and b) helps you feel less stressed over them.

[bemused_writer]

I really sympathize with this. Personally, I kind of think certain cultures (thinking of my own at the moment) place a little too much emphasis on being early rather than even just being on time. It's pretty stressful.

[quietmoon]

Being honest with myself, I'm almost always in the 10 minutes late camp. If I'm somehow responsible or have offered to help, then I'll arrive early for sure, but if it isn't something that hinges on me in any way, I'll always leave things to the last minute and end up arriving very late.

I think it's partly because I'm quite a spacey person, and going by my own pace isn't something I can choose to stop doing — my brain very stubbornly sticks to 'my way' haha. Also because time feels kind of... weirdly abstract to me, and passes by without me having any awareness of it. I'm always stuck in my thoughts (enneagram 5 lol *waves*) and the clock will have passed 5 minutes without me having any realisation that more than 30 seconds had passed.

It also helps that pretty much everyone who knows me knows this about me, and isn't surprised when I arrive a few minutes late. I try not to be pointedly late — I really dislike inconveniencing people, especially because when people do this with me without warning or good reason I tend to get very annoyed myself — but... running a few minutes late? Absolutely. My parents were never on time for anything (to the point I'd tell them things started half an hour before they did on the regular) and I suppose I've inherited that habit. :P

This is a longwinded answer. It's my first time commenting in here and I've had fun reading the other comments. Thanks for the question. ♥

[write_out]

Thank you for commenting!! I probably should have asked about lurking because that's what I've mostly done here myself. :)

I've been enjoying the different answers here too. Like you say, I get so wrapped up in 'my way' that it's good to remember that not everyone has the same fixation with being early that I do. And that's not a bad thing!

I'm glad your people know and understand this about you and that it doesn't create big problems.

[bemused_writer]

I know exactly what you mean about time feeling kind of abstract, which makes me think of how it's a kind of construct in many ways. Anyhow, I also try not to be absurdly late, but I'm also not generally early. XD

[aome]

Twenty minutes early. I grew up with an "If you're on time, you're late" family, and although I've relaxed that a LOT in my adulthood (I had to: I married into an "On time? What's that?" family, so relaxing my standards, while gently encouraging them to improve theirs, has saved my sanity), I would still prefer to be early than late. Nowadays I'm mostly "right on time" or just a few minutes early, but, yeah - definitely prefer any level of early to late. The only exception would be, say, for arriving at the airport 3 hours ahead of your flight. Being 10 mins behind your planned schedule isn't necessarily going to break you, in that sense. But 10 mins late for the dentist? For meeting a friend for lunch? Yeah, no. Not cool.

[write_out]

relaxing my standards, while gently encouraging them to improve theirs

That sounds like a most reasonable way to deal with such opposing philosophies regarding time management.

[wpadmirer]

I'm pathologically early to everything. I have been known to take a book and sit in my car and read until it was a reasonable time to knock on someone's door.

[write_out]

"Pathologically early." That cracks me up, but also, yes.

[ninetydegrees]

Unless it's gonna be a problem (work, appointment,...), I don't mind being late. But I usually try not to be and prefer to be early. I've always taken public transports so you get over being late very quickly :)

[write_out]

Ha! Yes, I've been stuck on a bus a time or two. :)

[used_songs]

I am always early. I hate being late because I hate feeling wrong-footed. If I'm early to a party or dinner I wait in the car, but I'm there early.

[write_out]

Yes, yes. I'm better about it now, but one of the reasons I always wanted to be one of the first arriving at a party was so that I wouldn't feel so self-conscious walking into a room full of people.

[tielan]

I am very on time. Like, I might be a bit early, but generally I time things to a nicety, and will reach somewhere right on the dot. Mind you, if I'm five minutes late, I text to say I'm running late. And if I'm early, then I let them know where I am. :)

When meeting someone, I feel it's better to be early than late, because it says I value their time. I've cut friends out because they simply could not be on time. I once spent an entire Sunday afternoon waiting and waiting and waiting for a friend to turn up, and when she did, two hours had passed. It wasn't the first time, and I knew it wasn't going to be the last, and I liked her, but I had too many things to do to faff around with someone who wasn't willing to agree with me in the value of my time.

[write_out]

There's late and then there's 'shows up two hours late.' Yikes.

[bemused_writer]

Much as I want to be an early bird, I am usually running a little late. *sigh* Sometimes it's because I don't want to go to begin with, but I also prefer later hours in general, so I think that may be some of it. And yet, being late also stresses me out, but that hasn't done much to change this habit. XD Still, it's usually only about five to fifteen minutes tops as far as lateness goes.

As for how it's impacted the people in my daily life: honestly, not too much. As far as my friends and family go, they seem to follow a similar schedule (though I can't say whether their logic is the same), so I guess it's not that big of a deal for them.

I also tend to lurk here, though every now and then I try to pop in. ^^

[write_out]

Another fellow lurker! :)

Oh, I have a lot of habits that stress me out (hello procrastination), but I continue to do them. When something is so ingrained, it's not easy to break out of it!

[mithrial]

On good days - early.
On bad days - late and I hate that. Not good for stress levels.
Life sometimes just puts things in the way. Then we're buggered.

[write_out]

Then we're buggered

And that's the truth!

[naath]

Early (if the invite is "be here at 10" if it's "8 onwards" then timeliness is clearly not required). And I always carry with me enough to keep myself entertained when early (phone, book, knitting). I can't manage "exactly on time", I just can't manage the timing that well. I try not to be early to people's houses; but sometimes that means lurking at the end of the street for a bit.

[write_out]

I know I prefer the 'be here at 10' invites over the '8 onwards'- I know exactly what is expected of me for the former.

[liseuse]

I definitely grew up in an "if you're on time you're late" family so am internally programmed to be early for things. I am always ten minutes, or more, early for things like dentist appointments and this is only increased by being reliant on public transport. I'm always planning for a delay and then the delay doesn't happen so I'm just very early. But I've always got something to read with me so that's fine.

One of the truly weird things about my workplace, which I'm still struggling with five years in, is that people take the start of the meeting time to be the time they need to leave for the meeting. We work on a very small campus so it doesn't take that much time to get to a meeting if it isn't in your building but it's weird! And I don't like it! It's amusing how this has carried over into online meetings.

When it comes to parties or invites where the time is "from X onwards" I really struggle. I inevitably end up there early and having to lurk at the end of the street checking twitter until it is sufficiently past-X to be able to knock on the door. With people I'm closer to I tend to offer to come and help set up, etc. so I have a reason for being there early/dead on time. And some of it has to do with who is going to be there. If it's a group of people I know well I don't mind walking in when people are already there, but if it's a group with new people or people I just don't really know I would far rather be there from the start than have to walk into a room of people I don't know and feel them all turn to look at me.

[write_out]

Planning for a delay is critical, especially when you're reliant on others to get you where you need to go. That's a good way to think about it.

Ohhh, I work with some people like that and I DO NOT GET IT. Especially now when we're all logging on from home- there are always those people who don't start trying to connect until the actual start time. Noo! That's not how it's supposed to go!

Yes! I just commented above that I prefer the 'be here at XX time' invites over the 'XX onwards' invites and for the same reasons.